I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
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One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back