Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
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doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I finally found a reason to live again.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.