people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
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me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead