elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
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Still my favorite headline of all time:
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao