Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
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I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat