We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
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I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Every haunted house movie:
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
So, can we agree on 4 or
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*