“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
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This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.