why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
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Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*