Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate