“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
You Might Also Like
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
happy mother’s day❤️
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
How about daylight saves us for once
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.