[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
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Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.