Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
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Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My Sentiments Exactly
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram