[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
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My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
*skinny dips into black hole
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!