Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
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Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.