It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
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I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.