[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
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Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
this could fix me
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
#JohnTravolta
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Nice try, poison.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.