When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
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My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
“What movie?” 🤔
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
me and who
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.