“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
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When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet