If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
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Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
japanese corn
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.