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In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
This probably isn’t good
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Trumpy Cat
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.