2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
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I have two kinds of followers
Me buying fruit and veg
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
i’m still crying at this
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
No, YOUR illiterate.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.