every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
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Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Breaking news:
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”