Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
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5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much