Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
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The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
you stereotypes are all alike
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I beg your pardon?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
That lamp looks PISSED.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.