My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
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how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”