Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
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[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though