interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
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[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Smells like a challenge to me
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus