Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
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Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
R.I.P.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine