Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
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I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR