*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
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‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.