An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
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I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Always the camel, never the toe.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?