Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
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Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Just why bro?!
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Whoa 😂
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*