Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
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A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
is this store having a stroke wtf
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.