This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
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I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Those are good neighbors.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.