They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
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I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Have kids, they said
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road