[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
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My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you