I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
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Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.