I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
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“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Just a reminder, folks:
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it