If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
You Might Also Like
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.