Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
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Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”