{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
You Might Also Like
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags