Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
You Might Also Like
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.