Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
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me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Message from the dog groomers
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you