Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
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5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
How actors in movies eat their food
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.