SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
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wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I beg your pardon?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
This is my pinned tweet
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life