Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
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I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
japanese corn
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
A great tip. #CakeRex
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”