A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
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I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Every BBC series about the universe.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
sistine chapel
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment