alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
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This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
HOW DARE YOU
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels