A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
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Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
favorite tropes as memes
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?