ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
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This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
shit, they caught us—run!!!
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
doing some research